Wellness Focused for Teens

By Kyle Yamasaki, MFT, Site Supervisor for Redwood Continuation High School 

Wellness has been around for millennia but it feels like a refreshing approach to helping teens with social-emotional problems in our schools.  As the site supervisor at Redwood Continuation High School (RHS) in the Sequoia Union High School District (SUHSD), I can share some of the exciting wellness activities organized by the ACS on-campus counseling team and SUHSD.  But first, what is “Wellness” in this context?

The World Health Organization defines wellness as “the optimal state of health of individuals and groups.  There are two focal concerns, the realization of the fullest potential of an individual physically, psychologically, socially, spiritually, and economically, and the fulfilment of one’s role expectations in the family, community, place of worship, workplace and other settings.”

Pertinent to the teens we work with, research supports that the focus on mental wellness can help with with self-regulation of intense emotions, resilience to stressors, and recovery from crises or illness, for example.  For example, at RHS, although the ACS team often addresses mental wellness issues with referred students who have urgent needs, but we are also more concerned about the presence of wellness for those who do not see us.  The absence of distress does not indicate a presence of wellness.  

Teens come to RHS for extreme deficiency in credits which appears to be symptom of other major stressors.  Most of which are coped with in unhealthy, but peer approved ways such as avoiding school, avoiding family, or self-medicating.  This is in addition to the basic stresses of adolescence.

RHS teachers and administrators, and the ACS team see significant potential in each student. We know this from the students we work with.  Students display resilience against seemingly overwhelming odds.  I discussed these concerns with the ACS interns who suggested ideas to engage students in wellness activities.   

We started with learning more about the students we worked with.  We found that both male and female RHS students overwhelmingly wanted lunch time sport related activities, learn more about cooking and healthy eating, and expressed interest in therapeutic art activities.  

In kind, ACS has started to work on providing activities like this during lunchtime.  So far, we have successfully engaged a small group of adolescent boys in a mural activity and creating spirit stones, for example.  A new social work intern has also recently joined our team who will start to engage the adolescent boys for lunchtime sports activities.  

As a site supervisor at RHS, what has also been remarkable to me is seeing how the ACS interns have also been able to share their passions and talents that match our students.  It seems like a natural synergy that is more meaningful and healthy for everyone.

While ACS’s efforts are just starting, SUHSD has been committed to some innovative wellness activities.  Most notably is RHS’s meditation-based stress reduction and wellness program called Quiet Time, an evidenced based program that has reported outcomes such as improved GPA, increased attendance, and reduced anxiety and psychological distress.  

The core activity of Quiet Time is transcendental meditation that the students, teachers, and administrators all participate in.  On campus in select classrooms, doors are closed with a “meditation in progress” sign.  For 20 minutes, two times a day, students meditate.  Students rave about the positive impacts this has had on their lives.  Students who were having a bad day even came into our ACS office at RHS, needing some space to meditate.

What is most promising for Wellness in our high schools is the effort to help everyone achieve their highest potential and level of functioning.  It is be exciting to see what other new wellness programs will be initiated at different high schools, especially as wellness policies at PAUSD and SUHSD continue to be implemented.

References:

http://www.who.int/healthpromotion/about/HPR%20Glossary_New%20Terms.pdf

http://www.globalwellnessinstitute.org/history-of- wellness/

Manderscheid RW, Ryff CD, Freeman EJ, McKnight-Eily LR, Dhingra S, Strine TW. Evolving 

definitions of mental illness and wellness.Prev Chronic Dis 2010;7(1):A19. 

http://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2010/jan/09_0124.htm. Accessed [4/3/2016].

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

ACS:  Resilience – How to Help Our Teens Stay Strong

Written By: Charlotte Villemoes, ACS Site Supervisor, On-Campus Counseling Program

I have the privilege and the pleasure of listening to teens every day. They tell me stories about their lives, stories that often move and inspire me. Many of them describe hardship that seems close to unbearable, yet the vast majority somehow perseveres and moves forward. At the end of the day I am often in complete awe by the power of human resilience, it is a force to be reckoned with, just like the stories of these two girls illustrate:

• Maria* is the oldest of four. Last year her father died which left the family grieving and the mother as the sole provider. She is now working two jobs to make ends meet, and the family has had to move in with another family to survive. Maria shares a bedroom with her mother and youngest sister while her two brothers sleep on mattresses in the living room. Because of her mother’s work schedule, Maria has to take care of her younger siblings when she gets home from school. She is in charge until her mother gets home by 8, after which she has to find the energy to do all her homework. Although stressed, overwhelmed, and still grieving the loss of her father, Maria somehow has the strength to keep going.
• Mindy* is 16 and from Malaysia. Two years ago her parents decided to move to the US to pursue a better life for their three girls by providing them the best possible education. Sadly, her youngest sister was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer recently, and it is still unclear if she can be cured. In the midst of all her worry, Mindy is doing everything possible to move ahead in the world, right now her goal is to be admitted to one of the top colleges. As a result Mindy has taken on a full schedule that involves four AP classes, a spot on the swim team, and a position as the president on the student board. Every weekend she volunteers for the Humane Society. Although stressed, overwhelmed and extremely worried about her sister’s health, Mindy too has the strength to keep going.

When I think about these two girls, I’m struck by their ability to cope with adversity. They both have work days that are way longer than many adults, they both carry a lot of responsibility, and they both have to function in the midst of their emotional pain. They are extremely resilient. Not everyone has what it takes to keep going in the midst of such challenges, but the good news is that as parents we can actually help our teens build that core strength.

I once worked as a consultant at a school in Redwood City, a job that was based on research results regarding resilience. A study had followed a large group of kids who had been challenged with extreme adversity, with the intention of pinpointing what had helped them grow up to become happy and healthy adults. The findings were very clear and they also turned out to be useful as guidelines for anyone who wants to foster resilience in their teen. The study concluded that three simple factors had helped the kids:

1. They had at least one caring adult in their life who believed in them
2. They were met with high – yet realistic – expectations, and
3. They had all been involved in meaningful activitiesFirst of all, know it takes just one person to help a child make it in this world. That person is very often you, so even if your teens seem eager to push you away, know that your unconditional love, your support and belief in them is absolutely crucial to them. Remember that the little things often go a long way, like an out of the blue expression of love and appreciation, a word of gratitude for simply being in your life, or a family dinner where you take the time to truly listen.
4. All research shows that a teen who feels connected to their family does much, much better when the going gets tough. Connections with other adults who can help them navigate through difficult times will add to their strength as well so try to encourage them to reach out and talk to other trusted adults, like a favorite family member, a teacher, a coach, a priest, or a counselor. Although it only takes one caring person to carry them through, a village does an even better job.

Expectations are very important too, and once again you need to trust that even though your teens might be fighting you, they are paying close attention to your expectations underneath their resistance. Make sure your expectations are high but realistic and based on an accurate assessment of what your teen is capable of; for some passing all their classes and graduating high school is a lofty goal that will require all the strength they possess, for others A’s and B’s are a stretch, but still realistic. The same goes for extracurricular activities, another area where you have to make sure your expectations fit the abilities and interests of your teen. It is also helpful if you communicate your expectations clearly, “getting C’s and above” is much clearer than “doing good in school”.

Finally, there is no doubt that being involved and engaged in meaningful activities is a source of strength for all teens. It is very important for them to feel that their contributions matter, that they are needed and appreciated for what they do. Getting a job is a big source of pride for teens. Helping out in the family with younger siblings, cooking or cleaning might cause them to complain, but it also makes them feel valuable and strong. In addition, you can have a conversation with your teen about what they are interested in and use that to create a list of possible clubs, groups, or organizations where they can contribute to a meaningful cause and meet likeminded people.

If you use these three basic principles, chances are that your teens will be able to join the ranks of the Marias and Mindys of this world. You will be helping your teens become much more resilient human beings, a valuable gift they will be able to utilize and benefit from for the rest of their lives.

*Names have been changed to protect identities
Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

ACS:  Understanding and Coping with Anxiety

By Deborah Sloss, LCSW

Most of us have experienced anxiety at some point in our lives. Some people even feel a moderate amount of anxiety spurs them to action.  However, for others, anxiety can start to interfere with their day-to-day functioning.  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders are among the most common mental disorders experienced by Americans; as many as 25% of teens and adults will experience some form of significant anxiety during their lifetimes. While anxiety is a normal reaction to stress, when anxiety becomes overwhelming, it can be debilitating and affect general well-being, social life, academic performance and social interactions.  And while the person suffering may realize their worry is excessive, they may also have difficulty controlling it.  For example, a person may avoid situations that cause anxiety or suffer through them with little enjoyment and lots of distress. If anxiety is interfering with your day-to-day life, there are steps you can take to reset this balance.  Understanding more about anxiety itself and learning ways to identify the anxious components in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior can lead to effective ways to cope and manage anxiety.

Three Components of Anxiety

There are three major components of anxiety: physical sensations, thoughts (cognitions) and behaviors.

• The physical sensations of anxiety may include feeling wound-up, tense or restless, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, difficulty with sleep, and stomach pains. In more severe cases, panic attacks may result in heart palpitations, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, nausea, sweating, shaking, a choking feeling, chest pain, chills, and numbness.
• Anxious thoughts (also called cognitions) can be about suspected danger, fear of dying, fear of losing control, and worry about having additional panic attacks.  For example, one might fear that chest pains caused by anxiety are a deadly heart attack or that the shooting pains in one’s head are the result of a tumor or aneurysm. One might have intense and recurrent thoughts of dying.  Anxious thoughts may also result in nightmares or bad dreams, and feeling like everything is scary.
• Anxious behaviors might include: reduced eye contact, nail biting and other nervous habits, or an increase in motor activities, like foot tapping. One may also avoid situations or withdraw from activities that previously caused discomfort.

It is important to note that “…when a person becomes anxious, the cognitive, physical, and behavioral components of anxiety interact with each other…For example, an anxious thought may lead to increased heart rate and muscle tension, which in turns leads to more anxious thoughts” (Hope, Heimburg and Turk, 29-30).

What can we do to manage anxiety?

While there are a number of methods that have proven helpful in addressing the physical component of anxiety, this article will focus on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), a research-based technique that helps manage the thoughts and behavior generated by anxiety. CBT was developed in the mid 1950s and early 1960s by Drs. Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck.  CBT therapists realized that understanding the interaction between thoughts, feelings and events is the first step in successfully managing anxiety. These ideas were later expanded on by Dr. David Burns. In his book, Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy, Burns explains that our interpretation of events is often governed by negative or “automatic” thoughts, which can result in anxiety. Here are some examples of automatic, negative and anxious thoughts that may sound familiar: 

• I’m going to fail this test
• I will never get into a good college
• All of the kids at school think I’m a loser

Talking Back to Automatic Thoughts

It can take time to figure out how one’s thoughts are tilted toward the negative.  Once we can do that, we can start “talking back” to our thoughts and we are on the way to feeling less anxious.  Dr. Burns says, quite simply and powerfully, that by changing the way we think, we can change the way we feel (Burns, 29). One example of a more balanced, less negative thought to “talk back” to anxiety might look like this:

• I’m afraid I am going to fail this test and so sometimes I want to throw my hands up and not study.

Here the student is acknowledging where her anxiety is coming from.

• But, I’m kind of ignoring the positives here.

This is identifying how this thought might be distorted.

• I actually have studied all week and kind of know what I am talking about!

This is a more balanced thought about the situation, with some hope added in.

By stepping back and looking at her automatic thoughts more objectively, the student was able to create a shift in her thinking. By substituting a more positive and realistic thought for the negative one, she is on the road to changing how she feels.

Summary

Anxiety is something we all deal with.  This article focuses on the cognitive aspect of anxiety.  When we find ourselves feeling anxious or upset, it is important to tune into our feelings and identify negative or automatic thoughts that accompany these feelings. Can we take a step back and ask ourselves if there is another way to look at the situation?  If we can substitute realistic, positive thoughts for negative ones, then we are on our way to managing anxiety.

Resources

Managing Social Anxiety: A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Approach (Workbook), Hope, D.A., Heimburg, R.G., and Turk C. (2010)

Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy, Dr. David Burns

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

ACS:  How Mindfulness Meditation Can Help Relieve Stress

By:  Katie Luce, LMFT, ACS School Site Supervisor

Children and adolescents may have fewer responsibilities than their parents, but childhood and the teen years can still be one of the most stressful periods in life. The demands of school, homework, extracurricular activities, and even daily family living can make children and adolescents feel overwhelmed and distracted. In addition, they haven’t had as much practice managing stress and developing coping strategies as adults, and are therefore less resilient.

Even though we all have busy schedules, it’s important to take a little time to appreciate being in the moment, which is what mindfulness meditation is all about. It’s important that adults model how to cope with stress, so our children see how effectively we deal with life’s challenges. In my work with children and adolescents, I have discovered that it is helpful to introduce mindfulness meditation into therapy, as a useful coping strategy for stress and anxiety.

Are you skeptical about the idea of mindfulness meditation, and how it can help you in a concrete way? Do you think of it as “new age” or as a “spiritual practice”? Do you feel you don’t have time to fit it into your daily life? Research over the past decade has shown that a regular meditation practice can actually change the brain, improve grades and concentration and reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.

What is Mindfulness?

Greater Good Magazine, based out of University of California, Berkeley, states that mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future.

Though it has its roots in Buddhist meditation, a secular practice of mindfulness has entered the American mainstream in recent years, in part through the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn and his Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program, which he launched at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in 1979. Since that time, thousands of studies have documented the physical and mental health benefits of mindfulness in general and MBSR in particular, inspiring countless programs to adapt the MBSR model for schools, prisons, hospitals, veterans centers, and beyond.

Mindfulness is a powerful way to handle stress, and is all about living fully in the present moment, without judgment, and with an attitude of kindness and curiosity. It’s about breathing, noticing what’s happening right here and now, sending a gentle smile to whatever you’re experiencing in the moment, and then letting it go. You can be mindful anytime, anywhere, no matter what you’re doing. (www.mindfulnessforteens.com)

Meditation has been proven to reduce “wandering mind,” which is associated with unhappiness; increase empathy; decrease ADHD symptoms; and improve concentration and attention. Two groundbreaking studies by Sara Lazar and her team at Harvard Medical School showed that meditation enhances areas of the brain associated with well-being, self-regulation, and learning—and decreases the volume of the amygdala, which is responsible for fear, anxiety, and stress. (2015, Jamison Monroe, www.psychologytoday.com)

How do you explain how to meditate to your children and practice it yourself? Below are some examples fromwww.kidshealth.org

Meditation and Visualization

Meditation is a way to get quiet, calm, and focused. It trains your mind to slow down, relax, and stay positive. Meditating for just a few minutes a day can help you feel centered, balanced, and more in control, even during the times when you’re not actually meditating.

Making meditation one of your daily routines (like brushing your teeth) can help you feel more grounded when it seems like you’re being pulled in a million directions.

Here are some meditation exercises to try:

Focus on the Breath

Try this as soon as you get home from school:

• Close your door, set a timer for 3-5 minutes, and find a comfortable place to sit.
• Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.
• As you inhale, think about your lungs inflating, your ribs expanding, and the breath moving through your nasal passages.
• As you exhale, think about your lungs deflating and the breath rushing out of your nasal passages.
• If your mind starts to wander, calmly say to yourself “thinking” and then turn your attention back to your breath.

Visualize Success

This is a great thing to do when you feel stressed about something that’s coming up like a big test, sports game, or performance:

• Set a timer for 3-5 minutes. Find a comfortable place to sit.
• Close your eyes and picture things going well.
• Visualize yourself feeling prepared and in control as you sit down for your test, or kicking the winning goal in soccer, or landing the lead role at your drama audition.

Visualization doesn’t take the place of actual preparation. But it can help you feel confident and manage the negative thinking that sometimes goes with stress. Mindfulness meditation is a valuable tool that is teaching us a lot about how the brain works and offers relief for people who suffer from a variety of issues. There are no negative side effects to mindfulness meditation, as there is only an upside. I am convinced that we can all benefit from incorporating mindfulness meditation practice into our daily lives.

Resources

Here are some meditation apps:

Stop, Breathe, and Think. I like this app because it opens with a short “interview” where the user selects several words to describe how they are feeling, and then the app recommends guided meditations for their current state.
Smiling Mind
NatureScenes: Provides a variety of calming music which can be used while practicing mindfulness meditation
www.innerhealthstudio.com – a web site with free guided meditations

Further Recommendations 
Parenting Your Stressed Child.  Michelle L. Bailey, MD.  2011.  Oakland, CA:  New Harbinger Publications.
The Mindful Child.  Susan Kaiser-Greenland.  2010.  New York:  Free Press.  2006.  American Academy of Pediatrics.
Building Resilience in Children and Teens:  Giving Kids Roots and Wings.  Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP. 2014
Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment – And Your Life.  Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. 2012
For more information about mindfulness and brain function, access the article written by Tom Ireland at www.scientificamerican.com.
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/what-does-mindfulness-meditation-do-to-your-brain/

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Conscious Parenting

by Roni Gillenson, LMFT, Program Director of On Campus Counseling Program

As it has been said time and time again that parenting is one of the most challenging jobs.  As we think about how we were raised, what we want to do the same or different in parenting and examine the role models we want to be for our children, we get a clearer picture of the parents we truly want to be.  Needless to say, this is no easy task and takes deep thought, soul searching, bargaining with ourselves, patience, empathy and continually challenging our own values and beliefs.  Just as our partners are not extensions of ourselves (i.e. they can’t read our minds) neither are our children, even though they might look exactly like us when we were kids!  We are their biggest role models.  What we say, how we act – in private and public, how we take care of ourselves – emotionally and physically, how we treat others – family members and friends, is all being watched and, like a video camera, taken in by our children.  The thought of this can be overwhelming!  You might be saying to yourselves, ‘Are you saying I am under a microscope every time I interact with my child, directly and indirectly?  I can’t be perfect!’  Of course you can’t be perfect!  There is no such thing!  We are all human, first and foremost.  However, being the ‘good enough’ parent is the goal here.  Good enough is more than enough!

Donald Winnicott was an English pediatrician and psychoanalyst and probably the first to use the phrase ‘good enough parent’.  He recognized that it was unrealistic to demand perfection of parents, and was interested in finding out what made them ‘good enough’.  He believed that the key to healthy development was rooted in a child’s relationships and interactions with others.

Much of childhood and adolescence is spent testing things out. Kids try out behaviors; teens try out identities. They test their assumptions about the world. If we hold ourselves to a standard of perfection that is unattainable, that sends a message to our kids that making mistakes is not OK. This can make childhood and adolescence an even more stressful and anxiety-filled time. When kids feel there is no room for error, the pressure they place on themselves can be paralyzing and can manifest as anxiety and depression.

When we model for our kids that we try, sometimes fall flat on our faces, and get up and move forward, we help teach them resiliency. When they see us struggle and persevere, we teach them that life may not be easy, but that we have the confidence in ourselves to keep going. When we forgive ourselves and others for falling short, we teach them generosity of spirit and acceptance. When we do all of these things, we teach them that they will be loved based on who they are, not what they achieve.

I believe it begins with you.  

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pam Garfield, LCSW Site Director at Gunn High School (650) 849-7919.  ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually.  ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Teen Dating Violence

By Maria Horwich, LMFT Site Director, Redwood High School

Adolescence is an exciting and turbulent time for many of our teens. It is at this age that many of our children start dating. Many parents I meet are surprised that teen relationships are sometimes abusive.  In a nationwide survey, 9.4 percent of high school students reported being hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the 12 months prior to the survey. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2011 Youth Risk Behavior Survey). About 1 in 5 women and nearly 1 in 7 men who ever experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, first experienced some form of partner violence between 11 and 17 years of age (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey). We know that teen dating violence affects all races, religions, sexual orientation and socio-economic status. 

As teens develop emotionally, they are strongly influenced by their relationship experiences. Healthy relationship behaviors can have a positive effect on a teen’s emotional development. Unhealthy, abusive or violent relationships can cause both short and long term negative effects to the developing teen. Victims of teen dating violence are more likely to do poorly in school, and report binge drinking, suicide attempts, and physical fighting. Victims may also carry unhealthy behaviors and violence into future relationships.

We know that domestic violence is a learned behavior. Adolescents are getting messages about what is and is not acceptable in a relationship from their friends, family, and the media on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many of these messages communicate that violence in a relationship is okay, and/or that violence is an acceptable way to express anger. Violence is never acceptable. 

Is my child at risk? 

Risks of having unhealthy relationships increase for teens who:

• Believe it's okay to use threats or violence to get their way or to express frustration or anger.
• Use alcohol or drugs.
• Can't manage anger or frustration.
• Hang out with violent peers.
• Have multiple sexual partners.
• Have a friend involved in dating violence.
• Are depressed or anxious.
• Have learning difficulties and other problems at school.
• Don't have parental supervision and support.
• Witness violence at home or in the community.
• Have a history of aggressive behavior or bullying

As parents, we are constantly modeling behaviors for our children. The best way to prevent your child from ending up in an abusive relationship is to model healthy behavior for them. Rather than hide all conflict from your children, let them see you and your partner work through a conflict while managing uncomfortable emotions like anger and jealousy, and treating others with respect. Show your kids that a conflict does not automatically mean screaming and throwing things.

Make sure that you speak to your child about what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. Talk to them about boundaries- what they are, how to set them and what to do when someone violates a boundary. Teach them about the difference between being assertive and being aggressive and when such behaviors are acceptable.

Strive to maintain open communication with your teen. Make sure they know that if they are in a relationship they are unsure of, they can come to you. Avoid shaming your child- this is negative reinforcement and will likely cause your teen to keep things from you. You want to make sure that your child knows what is healthy and that they can come to you for help.

What To Look For:

There are several signs that your child may be in an abusive relationship. This includes a partner who acts jealous and controlling (this could look like monitoring your child’s phone, telling them what clothes they can and cannot wear); your child is spending all their time with the partner and dropping friends and activities; your teen appears to be depressed or angry; your child has unexplained injuries.

Unfortunately, only 40% of victims seek help. Of those that do, 3% tell an authority figure, 6% tell a family member, 75% tell a friend. This tells us that a teen in this situation is far more likely to tell a friend than an adult. Teens tell me they don’t want their parents to know because they feel ashamed (how could I have picked such a person?)  or they fear judgment and/or punishment from their parents. What you can do is let your child know that their safety is your number one concern and that if they come to you for help you will provide it- without shame or punishment.

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pamela Garfield, LCSW, Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919.  ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually.  ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Stress management for beginners - and the rest of us! 

By Charlotte Villemoes, LMFT Site Director, Woodside High School

Every day, all of us experience some sort of stress. Most of the teens I meet in my private and professional life will at some point talk about how stressed they are; they talk about feeling overwhelmed by school demands, worried about their family, concerned about their friendships, their failures, and their future. Not surprisingly, I hear very similar stories from adults. Life brings a lot of stress in various shapes and forms and if we don't learn to manage it in healthy ways it can take a serious toll on us. 

The mind and body are closely connected and as a result many people - teens and adults alike - will experience a combination of mental, emotional, and physical symptoms when they are stressed. Some of the more common symptoms include feeling irritable or angry, nervous or anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or tired. Stress can make it hard to concentrate and difficult to sleep. Colds, flu, high blood pressure, infections, migraines, aches, pains, and skin problems are also linked to stress.

Research shows that we develop our stress related behaviors when we are adolescents. That means it is not too late for your teen to learn to cope in healthy ways instead of going down the more typical path of not getting enough sleep and exercise, while getting too much junk food, drugs or alcohol. Below is a list of some of the techniques that have proven to decrease stress. Since everybody has their own unique ways of reaching a relaxed state, please encourage your teen to explore various options - and consider being a wonderful role model by trying some of them yourself. 

Move your body. Physical activity is one of the most effective ways of decreasing stress because it helps release all the tension that stress will produce. Find activities you truly enjoy and build them into your weekly routine. Anything like dancing, hiking, biking, skateboarding, or walking your dog will do. The best types of physical activities are those that have a social component, like team sports or simply shooting hoops with a friend. You are more likely to have fun — and keep at it — if you are being physically active with friends. 

Decrease stress at its source. Stop for a moment to think about what is the main source of stress in your life. If relationships are causing you stress, work on setting boundaries or be more assertive. If the main source of stress is too many demands on your time, make clear priorities and give yourself permission to cut back.

Strike a balance. Avoid the trap of over-scheduling by prioritizing tasks and remembering to put free time into your schedule. When you plan your week, schedule time to get work done, but also time to have some fun. When it is time to enjoy yourself, try telling yourself not to worry about school or work. Simply focus on enjoying the moment. 

Stop procrastinating. Procrastination can add to your stress - when things are put off, you are always working under pressure, which is very stressful in itself. Managing your time effectively can significantly decrease stress. Try making a schedule and stick to it. Plan to treat yourself after completing a task. Rewards can be simple, like taking a small break, eating a healthy snack, texting a friend, or listening to your favorite song. 

Get enough sleep. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Even a few hours of missed sleep affects your mood, memory and concentration significantly. To maximize your chance of getting 

solid sleep, cut back on screen time in the late evening hours. Don’t drink caffeine late in the day and try not to do stimulating activities too close to bedtime. 

Have some fun. Laughter is a great cure for stress. Besides physical activities, find other hobbies or activities that you enjoy. That might be listening to music, going to the movies, journaling or drawing. Hobbies and creative outlets can be excellent stress relievers. Make a point to keep doing these things even when you are stressed and busy. 

Let yourself shine. Spend some time thinking about the things you are good at, and find ways to do more of those things. If you are a math ace, you might tutor a younger neighbor who is having trouble with the subject. If you are a spiritual person, you might volunteer at your church. Focusing on your strengths - and on other people - will also help you keep your own problems in perspective. 

Use relaxation techniques. There are many effective techniques to calm your mind and relax your body but just like any other skill it takes practice before you know what works best for you and before it works fully. You can try techniques like deep belly breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, visualization, and guided meditation. Many free sites online can guide you through this, like www.innerhealthstudio.com/relaxation-scripts.html. Keep trying until you find something that works for you. 

Reach out for help. If you or your teen’s stress level becomes unmanageable, it is time to reach out for help and talk it through with somebody else. Life changing events, good or bad, happen to all of us. We cannot control that. But we can learn to control how we respond to stress in healthy ways and counselors can help you or your teen do just that.

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pamela Garfield, LCSW Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Raising a Resilient Teenager in a Stressed Out Society

By Deborah Sloss, LCSW Site Director, JLS Middle School

As parents, we remember the joy of holding our newborn child in our arms, and the powerful drive to provide for their needs and keep them safe.

As they became toddlers and began to explore the world, we tried to ensure a safe environment where they could grow. We baby proofed our homes, bought safety-rated toys appropriate for their age, and then smiled tolerantly as they took all the pots and pans out of the cabinet and happily banged on them, impressed with themselves for their power and ingenuity. 

We watch them expand their horizons and develop new skills, all the while being aware that with each new step comes new risks and new dangers. They run excitedly chasing a new discovery, only to trip and fall. But amazingly, they get themselves up and try again; building confidence, overcoming frustration and developing inner strength. We marvel at their resiliency and determination.

As they begin school, they enter a period of life where their focus shifts from parents being the center of their lives to negotiating the complex world of interactions with peers, teachers and other adults. We help them do homework, give them hugs when another child hurts their feelings, cheer for them at soccer and basketball games. We read stories, tuck them in at night and watch them sleep, all the while feeling thankful that they successfully navigated yet another day in an increasingly complex world.

Fast forward to the teenage years. Now we are spending hours at the mall while they try to find the perfect pair of faded jeans and plead with us to buy electronics, and other accessories so they can “keep up appearances” as they head off to school the next day. 

Why then, do our teens often express feeling stressed out and dissatisfied? Do we chalk it up to teenage hormones, or is there something more going on?

In her book, The Price of Privilege, psychologist Madeleine Levine describes a disturbing trend among the teens she sees in her psychotherapy practice. Despite being raised in an affluent environment, with many material goods, these teens are unhappy. 

They “describe ‘being at loose ends’ or ‘missing something inside” and feeling “too pressured, misunderstood, anxious, angry, sad and empty”. Levine continues, “...they don’t seem to know themselves very well. They lack the practical skills for navigating out in the world...” Levine, The Price of Privilege, p 5 Levine believes that the young people she sees in therapy are failing to develop a strong, confident sense of self. Instead of looking within themselves to define their own values and priorities, they are externally motivated to please parents and teachers. Instead of focusing on who they are, they focus on what they achieve through school and extra-curricular activities.

As a child, I remember spending hours sitting on the swing in my parent’s backyard, looking at the grass under my feet and wondering the meaning of life. Today’s youth are not given the time and space for daydreaming, fantasizing, or reflecting. Such times are critical in thinking about interests, values, skills and talents that help clarify how we see our place in the world. According to Levine, “Parents pressure their children to be outstanding while neglecting the process by which outstanding children are formed.” Levine, p 65 While seeming to “have it all”, many teens today have an underdeveloped sense of self that as adults we know is so important to function successfully in the greater society.

Author Wendy Mogel (The Blessing of a B Minus), also provides another useful perspective on how our teenagers are getting waylaid. Mogel states: 

• “It is good for adolescents to be bored, lonely, disappointed, frustrated, unhappy...When we intervene to prevent the pain of tough situations, we create a reflex: Whenever a child feels sadness or confusion, frustration or disappointment, she believes she cannot survive the feeling...If teenagers don’t have the opportunity to recognize their bad feelings or problems and learn to manage them, they go off to college and seek out quick, reliable methods to make the pain disappear.” Mogel, Blessing of a B Minus, p 97

Mogel goes on to suggest that parents employ the following strategies to help struggling teens build internal strength and resilience:

Wait it Out: An overly anxious response on the part of parents sends the message to teens that they can’t handle distress, confusion and poor choices.

Normalize Setbacks: Talk to your teen about times things don’t work out for you as planned and how you deal with these situations.

Be Empathetic, Not Entangled: Be curious and kind but not alarmed.

Encourage Them to Advocate for Themselves: Many issues can be resolved by talking directly to teachers and other adults in their lives.

Demonstrate Confidence in Your Teen’s Problem-Solving Skills: Give your teen the opportunity to demonstrate resourcefulness in handling problems.

When They Create Problems, Let Them Experience the Consequences: When we deprive kids of freedom in an attempt to “keep them safe” they miss opportunities to learn to use good judgment.

It is through such experiences that young people develop the ability to tolerate frustration, delay gratification, and regulate their own internal state. They are able to create an internal psychological “safe haven” that provides a retreat when they need to think things through and take care of themselves.

According to psychologist Erik Erikson, the developmental task of adolescence is to successfully navigate the developmental phase of Identity vs Role Confusion. During this period, teens ponder the roles they will play in the adult world. It is during this stage that adolescents will re-examine their identity and try to find out exactly who they are. Mastery of this phase results in a successful transition from childhood to adulthood. Failure to establish a sense of identity can lead to role confusion. It was Erikson who coined the term identity crisis.

Young people with a healthy sense of self feel more in control of their lives and demonstrate an ability to act in their best interest. They have a budding identity, with hobbies and interests they feel passionate about; they value and accept themselves for who they are.

How can we, as parents, help our children to develop a healthy sense of self? We can remind ourselves, and them, that we support their growth and development by not always jumping in to protect them and solve their problems. We can foster their exploration of who they are. We can support them as they grow into strong, self-confident young adults by being available and ready to listen, by providing guidance, and by believing in their decision-making ability and in their capacity to figure things out.

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pamela Garfield, LCSW Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

The Poison of Perfectionism

by Merrett Sheridan, LMFT, Site Director at Palo Alto High School

“I’ve failed over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed” – Michael Jordan

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly” – Robert F. Kennedy

At Adolescent Counseling Services at PALY, the most common issue we saw students for last year was academic stress.  At the root of this is often a belief around being perfect fueled by extremely negative judgments about making mistakes and failure. The cost of perfectionism and the resulting stress is extremely high, both emotionally and physically. At a perfectionists core is a belief that mistakes are unacceptable and that their self-worth is dependent upon not making any, EVER. The challenge here being that everyone makes mistakes so the perfectionist is inevitably doomed having set for themselves an unreachable goal and hanging their well-being in the balance of reaching it. This leads to high levels of stress and I often point out to these students that perfectionism and mental health are mutually exclusive, you simply cannot have both. Mistakes are nothing to fear and there’s no way around them, and if you react rather than learn from them they will have served no purpose other than to further eat away at your self-worth. 

Perfectionism can also lead to loneliness. Most perfectionists I have worked with will easily offer others compassion and wiggle room for mistakes and imperfections and quickly come to the aid of others, but insist on leaving themselves stranded believing that even asking for help is a sign of weakness and imperfection. This perfect way of being I explain often keeps people away from them out of feeling intimidated and unworthy themselves because they don’t compare with you. And that conversely when a person shows imperfection and vulnerability it actually pulls others closer in because they feel you are more human and relatable.

The reason I titled this article the “Poison” of Perfectionism is because of the release of a stress hormone called Cortisol whenever a person is experiencing distress. So let’s talk a little about stress and the negative consequences of high doses of the stress hormone Cortisol that is released when one is under distress. Here is an excerpt from an article in Psychology Today underlying the effect of cortisol on mental health:

“Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels also increase risk for depression, mental illness, and lower life expectancy. This week, two separate studies were published in Science linking elevated cortisol levels as a potential trigger for mental illness and decreased resilience—especially in adolescence.” Published on January 22, 2013 by Christopher Bergland in The Athlete's Way (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201301/cortisol-why-the-stress-hormone-is-public-enemy-no-1)

From this perspective it’s easy to see that there is a connection between stress and mental health that in all likelihood cycles one further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and anxiety. First, the perfectionist has deep beliefs about their image which is not sustainable that causes high distress for them, leading to problems with mental and emotional functioning that is also not acceptable to them. Truly a viscous cycle. And, it’s not just mental health that is susceptible to the toxic effects of cortisol, here is another article discussing the physical effects:

“Some of the largest costs associated with perfectionism may be in terms of poor health. A longitudinal study following a sample of Canadians over 6.5 years showed that trait perfectionism predicted earlier mortality” The Price of Perfectionism by Gordon Flett (http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2012/march-12/the-price-of-perfectionism.html)

So what can be done for the perfectionist student? How can parents and others help them to flourish and achieve excellence without falling into the emotional choke hold of perfectionism? First of all is to give perspective. Help your child to understand what the ultimate goals in life are and that the journey, while challenging at times is what makes up his or her life. That if you only focus on what you “get” at the end, there will inevitably a “next” achievement and therefore one never experiences anything but a temporary sense of satisfaction, losing sight of the rich experiences to be gained along the way, and exhausting oneself on the hamster wheel of perfectionism. Ask yourself what messages you are sending your kids. Are you somehow adding to the pressure? Check in with them and ask. One way to look at is too strive for excellence but not perfection. As parents you want your children to be successful, but what does that mean? Defining happiness is an important life skill that isn’t taught in school but may be the most important question of all. We all have the right to pursue it but many never sit down and really explore what it truly means to be happy. I invite you now to do that with your children especially if they are struggling with perfectionism. Just getting a healthy message from a parent can go a long way in relieving distress.

For parents of seniors specifically as college acceptance and rejection letters roll in, help your child understand that where one door closes another opens and that to let this perceived failure result in excessive amounts of stress, and therefore Cortisol, is like salt in a would. It’s fine, and advised, to allow them to feel sad and disappointed but then move on, re-group and review the end goal and design a new, informed map. There are always options and new beginnings. As a first-time college dropout myself I can speak personally to the idea that striving for perfection is not the only path that through perceived failures one can re-define, re-route and most importantly learn from experience and gather wisdom along the way. Somehow, I achieved many of my goals while making plenty of mistakes and missteps but I do my best to pay attention and integrate the life lessons that are ripe for the pickin’ along the way. 

Finally, here is a wonderful video on the subject by Harvard Professor Tal Ben Shahar, I invite you to take a look and watch it with any perfectionists in your family in hopes that helps to decrease stress and cortisol levels that are blocking the path to more happiness and emotional well-being for you or a loved one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgFfhJBQplk (Tal Ben Shahar video) “Learn to fail or fail to learn.”

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pamela Garfield, LCSW Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

A Surprise Day Treat for Your Teens 

by Rom Brafman PhD., Site Director at La Entrada Middle School 

If you're the romantic type you've probably planned a surprise date night or day-long event for your loved one. Maybe you took them to a concert or even whisked them on a romantic getaway. We take pride in putting thought into planning a fun event for our partners--which is great--but why not apply the same type of creative energy into putting together a surprise day-long event with your teen? I know, I know, most teens don't exactly jump up and down at the thought of spending a day with a parent. But if you plan it the right away and present it the right way it'll me a memorable experience for both of you and show your teen just how much you adore them. 

What would be a fun experience that both of you can share? Maybe it's a lunch at a favorite restaurant and a trip to a museum where you can reflect on art? Or maybe it's going shopping together and then going to the beach. To be honest, these suggestions are a little generic because they are not tailor-made to your teen. But you know your child well enough to make it magical. Put some thought to it. Make sure that it's a surprise. Tell them that you're planning a surprise day just for them. Build it up. Give them some clues if you'd like, but they should be difficult ones. If they ask you why you're doing it, 

tell them that it's because they're so great and you love them. If they try to opt out, tell them that it's really important for you to spend quality time with them. They may not show you how thankful or appreciative they are, but they'll take it in, and when they grow older they'll remember it. 

Once you go on a couple of these adventures, turn the tables and ask them to plan something to surprise you. They may not want to, which is fine, but give them the option. You'll be teaching them to be creative, to be thoughtful, and to celebrate life. It's those moments that mean the most. 

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pam Garfield, Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919. ACS relies on the generosity of com-munity members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Talking with Teens

by Martha Chan, LMFT, Site Director at Terman Middle School

We hear from many parents that, at some point, children stop talking at home; in some families, it happens at age 10, in others not till age 14 or 15. In a typical scenario, a middle school or high school student is asked “How was school today?”, the response is “fine” or an unintelligible noise, and the student disappears into his/her bedroom, leaving the parent frustrated. In many families, children have lots of stories to tell while they're in preschool and elementary school, often in more detail than parents can remember. It helps that, in elementary school, parents often know their child's one teacher, five best friends, and the parents of those friends, so we feel we have a good sense of what goes on in our child's day. Then THE CHANGE occurs, often beginning when our child moves into middle school. Suddenly, we're trying to remember the names of all their teachers and which subjects they teach; we don't know all their new friends; and we probably don't know the parents of these friends. On top of that, our children don't tell us those stories anymore, and we miss them.

One of my favorite books in my own early parenting days was How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk; looking back, I think the second half of the title may be the most important part. Strange as these ideas, that's a first and very large step. 

One technique it sounds, if we want our teens to listen to us, we may have to model being a good listener for them, just as we model good driving habits and table manners. What I have heard from hundreds of teens in my years of counseling work is that they feel the need to be listened to, and to have their opinions respected, even when a parent may disagree with them. Often they want to be able to talk about a problem without having a parent immediately offer advice; they may feel they can solve the problem eventually on their own, but they want to talk it through with you. This is a good thing!

One of my former supervisors described the teen years as a time when kids are “trying on different hats”, sometimes on a daily basis. This can be confusing for the adults around them, as we tend to be more settled in our attitudes and behavior; for teens, it's part of testing the waters to see who they really want to be and what they really believe. A parent's role can be to act as a sounding board, just listening and reflecting as your child talks about a political, ethical, fashion or friendship issue, rather than jumping to the conclusion that he or she is about to do something dreadful. Again, if your child is talking with you about what he or she is thinking and feeling, you are doing something right.

A tactic that I had to learn early in my counseling career, which came in handy when I became a parent, was to figure out how to ask a question that is hard to answer with a Yes, No or one-word response. In the scenario above, for example, saying “I'd like to hear about your day - - what was the best thing that happened?” can still result in a “Nothing happened” response, but it invites conversation. You might try asking a question that has a natural follow-up: parent, “Am I remembering right, that you had a math test today?”; student, “Yeah”; parent, “How do you think you did?” (Notice that you aren't asking what grade he/she is likely to receive.) Student may still respond minimally: “OK” or “Terrible”, but as a parent, you've shown that you paid attention to the details of your child's life, beyond the how-was-school level.

Many families have a tradition of sitting down to dinner together when children are younger, so that all family members have a chance to talk about how their day has been. This often gets lost as children's schedules get busy, parents' work changes, and many other demands arise. However, it's always good to either establish or continue the family meal, at least a few nights a week, and model the behavior you would like to see in your children. I was once told by an elementary teacher at 

back-to-school night that the three most important things parents can do to improve their child's academic success are to see that they have enough sleep, have family meals together, and turn off all electronics during the meal - no television, no internet, no cell phones, for the adults as well as the children.

As parents, we sometimes become anxious about our children's futures when they reach adolescence, and feel that we have to impart all our wisdom to them before they graduate from high school. This results in teens feeling they are being “talked at” rather than being “talked with”; usually the more we really listen, the more our teens may be encouraged to talk. Give it a try - - hopefully, you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or 

call Pam Garfield, LCSW Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Adolescent Counseling Services:  Allowing the family to grow and adapt as the needs and abilities of the family evolve.

by Jerod Gilbert, LMFT, Site Director at Jordan Middle School

When we were expecting our first child, a graduate school friend of mine said, “It’s not just the birth of a child, it’s the birth of a parent.” I laughed and thought this was a bit corny. The cliché has stuck with me, however, as we have grown as a family. Now that we have a second child, and we have both a daughter and a son, I continue to see the validity of the idea of the birth of the parent, and I see the work the children do that makes us better adults. None of us receive instructions. We continue to grow as parents as our children grow. In fact, a primary sign of a healthy family is that it continues to adapt as the needs, wants and abilities of its members change.

During adolescence, the family arrives at a new opportunity to adapt to the needs of the family. It is the first time our children seek to find their own identity outside of the family. It is the first time they consider: Who am I? How am I like my family? How am I not like my family? Before, it was not even an idea, a feeling or a sensation. Suddenly it becomes primary. Because we are social creatures who need connection with others to thrive, our middle-schoolers seek groups outside of the nuclear family in order to test out who they are. They push away from their family because they feel the pull towards other groups, all in service to discovering their own self.

You wonder about the fervent pull to the mall on the weekend. You don’t get it --why is your daughter Instragramming her drink? You are not supposed to get it. It is not for you to get. It is for her peer group – the people who are supporting her growing self-identity. Adolescents must struggle to discover their own identities. The struggle entails negotiating and trying to fit in. They do seek leadership, however, and over time they do develop a set of ideals and a sense of right and wrong. In the successful adolescent, these ideals are socially congruent and desirable. But it takes times, and many awkward trips to the mall, to get there.

By middle school, our children have been attending schools and camps, riding bikes, and playing sports for some time; their worlds have already expanded quite a bit and we, as parents, have already begun to reconcile that we as parents are no longer the complete authorities we once were, though we are still at the top of the list. Our task with adolescents is to continue surrendering to our children’s growth, but to do so with an understanding that the developmental task of adolescence is to form a personal identity. If the family successfully navigates this time, the children will ultimately form an identity that feels true and stable to them. If the family fails, the children may experience role confusion and a weak sense of self. The reward of the family’s successful navigation of adolescence results in a child who is self-assured versus self-conscious. We would all like to give our children this experience in the world. The process during this time is critical and generating a respect for their task may help you understand and support them through the challenge. 

But how exactly do we support them? As stated earlier, our children do not arrive with instructions. So we must struggle ourselves to find the right balance of guiding and following. We must guide them towards making healthy decisions and, in order to maintain a connection, we must sometimes follow them towards their interests, which may not be our own. Additionally, sometimes we must see the bigger picture and understand that we cannot even follow. As parents we can expect our children to experiment with different – usually constructive – roles, knowing that the alternative for them is to adopt a “negative identity” (such as delinquency). No matter what, sometimes they will act like jerks, but our ability to continue to tolerate and guide them has lasting benefits for the rest of their lives. Allowing our middle-schoolers to experiment and explore, while providing a safe and supportive home-base, provides the stability our children need to actually anticipate achievement, rather than to feel paralyzed by feelings of inferiority and uncertainty. 

Ultimately, we want our children to trust themselves. Trips to the mall provide an opportunity for them to try on different aspects of themselves, so do trips to the state park, the beach, church and other non-consumer activities. The good news is there are lots of adults who can be good role models. In our community there are lots of programs in which they can explore their roles and identities. Adolescent Counseling Services provides students with another venue to begin to understand the patterns and themes that are emerging within them and around them. It is another way for students to investigate their self-identity, but to do so with a supportive, trained professional who is there for them – not a parent, a teacher, a priest or a rabbi, but a counselor who is there to support their own unfolding self without a potentially competing agenda. This can be a very powerful experience for an adolescent.

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pamela Garfield, LCSW Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919 . ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Adolescent Counseling Services:  Know the Friends 

by Pamela Garfield, LCSW, Site Director of Gunn High School

Last year I had a great opportunity to lead a discussion of parents in the Sophomore Parent Network. Many parents in the group were worried about substance abuse and were wondering how to ask their children about drugs. ‘How do we communicate when they are growing so independent?’ ‘How do we remain in the know?’

Ahhh, the joys of raising a teenager...Therapists call this adolescent stage “Separation Individuation”. This is the phenomenon of your kid growing more independent and needing to learn life lessons on her own, yet still needs you as a base when she gets in over her head. One minute she is responsible, the next minute she is impulsive, immature, and clingy. What is a parent to do? How can one keep up?

The reality is even if you are the best parent in the world, it’s unlikely that your teenage son or daughter will tell you everything. This is especially true if there is a topic that is shameful or embarrassing. It’s part of normal development.

So what do you do if your independent teenager gets into trouble, how can you know? If a teen withdraws, a parent can feel stuck.

In the PTA meeting, a wise parent said “Get to know your child’s friends”. If your child is going through something they feel ashamed to talk to you about, the friends are more likely to tell you about it if they feel comfortable with you. 

The Palo Alto community has shifted in the last five years. Students are being trained in QPR - Question, Persuade, Refer - in their Living Skills classes (http://www.qprinstitute.com/) As a result, youth have learned to speak up about someone in trouble. Many have already had positive experiences talking to an adult about getting help for a friend. The community has learned to come together and help others. However, it can still be difficult for a struggling teen to talk to their parents about their 

As the new school year starts and your child is making new friends, take notice and interest in them. Notice who your child’s friends are because they may have shifted from last year. Be approachable and available to your child’s friends because they will probably be your most valuable resource. 

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on nine secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pamela Garfield, LCSW Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation. It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!

Cultivating Mastery and Success WITH Your Teen

by Chris Chiochios, LMFT, Site Director at JLS Middle School

With so much emphasis on achievement and concern about our children being prepared and “ready” to enter adulthood and be “successful”, there is a hidden cost that many youth can experience.  This cost involves developing a mindset that becomes fixed on what success means and what it looks like to be successful, which can often be somewhat narrow, limiting, and detrimental to future success and functioning.  When success is lacking or setbacks are experienced, these “failures” are can limit motivation and resilience.  Carol Dweck, professor at Stanford University, has written much about fixed vs. growth mindsets in child and adolescent development.   A fixed mindset involves seeing abilities and potential as set (i.e. “you either have it or you don’t”), emphasis on looking smart (i.e. not struggle outwardly), attributing competence and self-concept to successes (i.e. grades, score, “winning”, etc.), avoiding challenges, possibly feeling threatened by the success of others, ignores useful negative feedback or constructive criticism, and giving up easily, if not easily “successful”.  A growth mindset involves a desire to learn, embracing challenges, persistence and resilience, recognizing that improvement and progress comes with effort, being able to learn from negative criticism/constructive feedback, and learning from others’ successes and/or setbacks.  Predominantly, individuals who are able to develop a growth mindset often grow up to be more successful, grounded, and well-rounded in their lives.  

These ideas can be applied to many different areas in our children’s lives.  I have witnessed and experienced firsthand in schools currently, as well as in youth sports and coaching youth, how these 2 mindsets play out in terms of focusing on “just win/succeed” vs. “learn, try your best, and have fun”.  Obviously, we all want our children to succeed, to win, and to be successful at everything that they do.  However, there are fundamental consequences to holding a “win/succeed at all costs” approach.  In a recent article from the Greater Good website by Vicki Zakrzewski, she cited a UC Berkeley professor, Martin Covington, who said that “a fear of failure is directly linked to a person’s self-worth, the belief that you are valuable as a person”.  No one likes to fail and no one wants to be seen as incompetent or unsuccessful.   Failure can breed more failure if the conditions are such as to continue to perpetuate this dynamic.  Perpetuated long enough with little support or understanding, and this can become an entrenched and vicious cycle.  Yet, if the conditions are such that effort, learning and improvement, and bouncing back from mistakes are also a part of the focus, then the benefits and implicit message is one that is quite different.  Certainly, there is still a focus and emphasis on success and winning, but the key factors revolve around cultivating mastery and focusing on what is within one’s own control, and learning from mistakes and setbacks.  Mastery and success take effort.  Learning and improving, and realizing that mistakes are part of the process, feed this approach.  The main benefit is that we can help our children recognize what they can and cannot control. Recognizing what we can control can lead to decreased anxiety and increased self-confidence.  

As I was preparing this article, I pondered this list that I received at a workshop with the Positive Coaching Alliance.  This list comes from the “Best Practice Coaching Guidelines for Player Development Staff for the Cleveland Indians Baseball Organizations”, which is cited from Charlie Maher, Feb. 22, 2013, communication: 

1. Know Yourself: keep abreast of your values, strengths, and needs for professional development
2. Know Your Players: strive to understand them not only as performers on the field but also as people
3. Know the Game: given your role on the staff, work at becoming a subject matter expert
4. Take a Mastery Approach: guide each player to develop so that they can be the best they can in relation to themselves, not in comparison to others
5. Communicate: be clear with players and staff about what you expect and how the game is to be played; have a way to manage conflict
6. Motivate: encourage yourself, players, and other staff to set and pursue SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely) goals and, in the process, to play the game with energy and effort
7. Be Patient: stay in the moment and do not let your emotions hijack you
8. Prioritize: out of all of the things that come your way, deal with the three or four items that are most important to development of players and your team
9. Promote Quality: make sure that the activities, drills, and other things are well planned and implemented at a high level
10. Lead: guide, direct, and interact with your players and staff- before, during, and after the game
11. Enjoy the process: pay attention to the things over which you have control and influence, on and off the baseball diamond
12. Be Consistent: strive to do all of the above by implementing an effective routine, day in and day out

I believe that these guidelines can directly tie in to how we might approach, support, and cultivate an environment at home, in a classroom, at school, and within a community that promotes a growth mindset in our youth.  Whether you are a parent, teacher, mentor, coach, or other support person in a youth’s life, your relationship, your presence, and your approach and message matters.   What is important is that we maintain a strong belief in, and an awareness and understanding of the impact that we can have on youth by the way that we approach and handle performance.  Thinking about applying these principles to your role with your child or student can be greatly beneficial.

Vicki Zahrzweski proposed 3 ways that we can help overcome a fear of failure, and more of a focus on mastery.   One is to emphasize effort or ability.  Be specific in praise for things that your child or student does.  General praise can have the opposite effect.   This also relates to the notion that ability and outcome tie directly with one’s self worth.   Second, we can encourage self-compassion in the face of failure.   The ability to maintain a sense of acceptance and understanding about what happened and what could have been done differently to possibly influence the outcome are very important life skills.  This process certainly involves being able to utilize coping skills to bounce back and deal with the painful emotions that can come from failing.  Third, we can build and maintain positive relationships with our youth, whether they are our children, students, players, etc.   Through these relationships, we have the opportunity to teach, share, model, and impart very useful life skills, wisdom, and learned life experiences.   Madeline Levine identified seven essential coping skills that can go a long way in supporting youth in developing a mastery approach and weathering the expected ups and downs that life has to offer to us all.  These include the following:

1. Resourcefulness- independent problem solving and learning that there are many ways to solve a problem, including being able to seek out assistance and support from others, especially parents and other adults
2. Enthusiasm- approaching a task or activity from a stance of interest and choice, being fully engaged and interested in what you are doing
3. Creativity- learning that there is more than one right way to go to solve a problem or issue, or to approach a situation
4. A Good Work Ethic- being able to see a task, activity, etc. through to the end
5. Self-Control- being able to trust one’s gut feeling or intuition instead of following the group’s decision, or peer pressure
6. Self-Esteem- needs to be cultivated from within and results from two areas, competence (doing well at something) and confidence (believing in oneself)
7. Self-Efficacy- the belief that what we do matters and makes a difference, involves “agency”, which includes how we put our beliefs into action

These coping skills can be of great assistance, but often require repetition, practice, and ongoing modeling and guidance from adults to become an internalized part of a youth’s repertoire.   Having other parents to share experiences and practices with can be very helpful, as can working with a professional.  The books cited below also have great information and practical examples and tips of how to implement some of these practices.   Ultimately, it is up to us as adults to facilitate and support the conditions that will help our youth to be “successful” in all areas of their lives.  

References:

Teach Your Children Well by Madeline Levine

Mindset by Carol Dweck

How to Help Kids Overcome Fear of Failure by Vicki Zahrzweski, Greater Good website

The Power of Double-Goal Coaching by Jim Thompson

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on eight secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Pamela Garfield, Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919.  ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually.

ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow. 

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