ACS-Teens and Boundaries

Submitted by Roni Gillenson
Teens & Boundaries by Katie Luce, LMFT Site Director at Redwood High School

Family rules and boundaries can provide a sense of stability to teenagers who are struggling to decipherrelationships, roles, and even their own personalities. Although they may protest loudly against structure and boundaries, when they have a hand in what is being asked of them, and when those boundaries are firm but fair, teenagers will feel empowered.

Setting boundaries with teenagers is difficult, but it is critical if teens are to learn that their behavior has
consequences. Some of the challenges of enforcing rules can be eliminated by engaging children in the process of setting the rules and assigning consequences before the rules are broken.

When parents include teenagers in establishing clear rules about appropriate behavior and consequences, the
arguments over rules and possible consequences are lessened. Teens can no longer claim that consequences or expectations are unfair, and parents can take on the role of calmly enforcing the communicated consequences instead of having to impress upon the child the seriousness of the problem and scramble to find an appropriate consequence. The temptation to react emotionally when children break rules is alleviated because it is no longer perceived as an assault on parental authority, since it was decided upon by the family (teen AND parents), not solely on the authority of the parents, that the rules were established. Helping to set the rules and communicate boundaries and consequences clearly may not keep teenagers from breaking them, but it can help parents to avoid power struggles.

Positive or negative consequences given to your teen prove to be more effective if you follow some basic
principles:

•Consequences must be important to your teen, or there will be little effect on behavior.

•Consequences must be delivered immediately to make a clear connection and understanding between the
behavior and the consequence.

•Consequences must be appropriate and based on the behavior. Do not burden your teen with excessive
negative consequences for the small stuff. Neither should you ignore or under-reward your child for
making the best choices.

•Consequences must be consistent. Make sure your teen understands that "if you do this, then this
happens."

•Consequences must be manageable. If they are too difficult or punishing on you, you may not follow
through. At the same time, we all realize that parenting is sometimes tough, and being inconvenienced
now rather than taking the easy way out will make your job much easier in the long run.

Adolescent Counseling Services is a community non-profit, which provides vital counseling services on eight secondary campuses at no charge to students and their families. To learn more about our services please visit the ACS website at www.acs-teens.org or call Sabrina Geshay, LMFT Site Director at Gunn (650) 849-7919. ACS relies on the generosity of community members to continue offering individual, family, and group counseling to over 1,500 individuals annually. ACS provides critical interventions and mental health services, building a better future for tomorrow.

If you are interested in helping to support our efforts, do not hesitate to call to make a donation.
It goes a long way in helping teenagers find their way!